It may have been minutes. Maybe it is hours later when Susan shows up. Maybe it is a day later and the night has already passed.

"Potter, get up."

I lift my face up. It has been pressed and hurt and kissed and slapped. But it is my face that she wants to see. I wonder why. I don't want to hear her disappointment; I can already tell from those dark eyes of hers.

"Draco Malfoy is the one who hurt you, isn't he?"

I freeze. "What?"

"He hurt you, didn't he?"

Susan does not seem impatient. She looks tired, soft dark circles forming rings around her eyes. And when I look closely, I notice a flicker of rage in her fists. It is always the fists.

"Yes," I say, resigned.

I admit it. He liked me. He wanted me. He had me. He hurt me. He hurts me.

"I thought so," she says. In a few strides, she is at my dresser, where she let me store the ointment last night, after she didn't respond for the longest time.

She must have taken it back. And to do that, she looked in my drawer to find the ointment, along with my ... oh, no.

"You're smart," she says, even though I disagree. She opens the drawer, pulling out my crinkled note, which I would stare at some days, debating on whether to rip it or to cherish it. "You figured out what I saw. So, I guess he hurt you in more ways than one."

To Chrys ━━━ is emblazoned on the top.

I should've burned that note.

"He isn't blackmailing me anymore," I murmur, and she stiffens.

"That's your defense of him? That he isn't anymore?"

"I fancied him, okay?" I exclaim, and she flinches, hurt flashing in her eyes. "Maybe I still do. But it hurts."

"Your hand, or your heart?"

I sigh. "Both."

"Are you going to go back to him? Everyone still thinks you're together."

"I don't know why everyone cares," I say tiredly. But I am lying. "I don't know why you care."

"Don't lie to me," Susan says, scoffing. Merlin, I can never lie to her, can I? "You know why. He's a blood-purist, he's a bully, and he's horrible. How in the world did you even fall for him?"

"Fine," I say heavily. "Everyone cares because I'm Harry's sister." She doesn't deny it, and I continue. "And I don't know why, okay? I can't control my emotions!"

She steps forward, and my stomach flips. I hate this. I want to sleep. I want to forget Draco, to forget that aching in my heart that wants acceptance.

"You can control your actions, Potter. I'm not blaming you for what he did. I'm asking you why you did what you did."

"I ..." I falter, looking away from her intense stare. "I don't know."

"When did you fall for him, Potter?" she asked. "Was it when he wanted to blackmail you by erasing your memories? Was it when he called someone a slur? Was it when he bullied some poor first year?"

I turn to her, my heart shattering. "No! You know I can't stand people like that ━━━"

"Then why?" she exclaims, her eyes full of so much emotion.

I have seen Susan horrified, angry, neutral, and smiling. But I have never seen her like this, all emotion in one, trembling and shaking and screaming. Perhaps it's her lack of knowledge that makes her like this, because she must know everything.

And now she doesn't.

"I left him because he did that ━━━"

"He does it all the fucking time, Potter!"

I still. I am not just tired and upset and hopeless and horrified. I am a ghost of my former self.

But was I even something before all this?

Susan is breathing heavily as she massages her knitted eyebrows. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ━━━"

"You did," I say, my voice barely audible. "You meant every word."

She sighs. "Yes. I did. But I didn't mean to yell it at you like that."

"I'm going to go," I say softly.

She looks away from me this time, her eyes shining. "Potter, I'm sorry."

I shake my head. "You have nothing to apologize for, Susan. You did nothing wrong. It's me who did, and I have to deal with it now."

My feelings led me astray. I told Draco I'd deal with it. So I will.

"How are you going to deal with it?" she asks eventually, but now there is a wall between us.

I get it. Associating with Draco ruined my first friendship. I suppose it ruined me too.

"I have no idea," I say honestly.

I walk past her, heading out the room and hoping that my broken heart could be taped together for a while, that it could hold on just a bit longer.

notes / susan's so real tbh